The Roman Blogsphere is now debating whether or not canonisations are infallible. The infinite regress of infallible interpreters strikes again… what’s the point of having infallible interpreters when we have nothing but fallible interpretations of infallible interpreters?

Imagine what a bummer when a Roman reaches the pearly gates and St Peter informs him, 

“You’ve got 5 millions years in purgatory.”

“WHAT?! But I’ve prayed faithfully to St Cardinal Bellarmine EVERY FREAKING DAY and I’ve got 5 million years?!”

“Yeah about that… The Almighty wasn’t too pleased about him suppressing Galileo with the inquisition and all… terrible PR for the Church and utterly unnecessary thought policing. He himself was burning off some of those control freakishness in purgatory when you were invoking him in prayer. Not much he could do about your prayers I fear.”

“But the Church is INFALLIBLE in FAITH AND MORALS!!! They can’t be wrong about his canonisation!!!”

“Look, technically my infallible keys only work when the Pope defines doctrine ex cathedra and no canonisation is a divinely revealed doctrine of the Church, not forgetting of course that no act of canonisation is ex cathedra. I know that the infallible keys is a great apologetic point and foundation for faith and all, but you should really read the Magisterial fine print about the limits of its application and not leap to all kinds of assumptions about the Church’s infallibility.”

“This is an outrage! I protest! I…”

“You protest?! Dude, you see this shiny thing here? (holds up the Keys to the Kingdom) The Protestants couldn’t challenge my key welding earthly successors. You think that you can “protest” the Man Himself who has received the Keys directly from God and who possesses the power to bind on both heaven and earth? Who do you think you are? Do you want another million years to your purgatory sentence?

“What?! No, I…”

“Good, off you go then. I’ll see you in five million years. And you better hope that your relatives are invoking the right saints for you.”

“Wait what?! They’re invoking Pope John Paul II!”

“Oh. Well. Erm. You’ll be seeing him shortly I’m afraid… pity though you can’t really talk to him, his lips are being roasted in purgatory for kissing that Qu’ran. I mean, seriously? You canonised that guy? Pfff… And what sort of relic do you think that Qu’ran will make?”

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